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5th July 2024
FridayReflection
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Chap Bettis shares
of 'The Disciple-Making Parent'
'A Second Look at an Unpopular Verse'
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"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is 'old' he will not depart from it."
.....Proverbs 22 6
This verse used to be popular for Christian parents.
In it, God seems to promise that if we, the parents, do what we should, then our children will not leave that training.
But this misunderstands this verse and sits on a transactional theology.
"If I put the right amount of coins in the vending machine, God is obligated to give me the perfect product."
The parents of those who "turn out well" can look back with pride.
Parents of prodigals can feel guilt, shame, failure, and even disappointment with God.
"What did we do wrong?"
Proverbs is wisdom literature.
It describes how things generally work, not how things always work.
These are proverbs, not promises.
It is moulding the actions and habits of our children.
A gymnastics teacher trains the actions of the child.
As parents, we bring our children to these activities precisely because we want them to learn new habits and discipline.
God gives us as parents the same command.
Train your child. Shape their will. Develop habits of self-control as appropriate to their age.
To submit to this command, we must comfortable with the thought that part of our job is to shape the will of our children.
That is not a popular idea in our day!
On the one hand, children are made in the image of God, having a unique bent that we should encourage.
Equally important to understand, children are born with a self-oriented heart.
There is right and wrong, consideration and rudeness, thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness, self-control and out-of-control.
All of us need training in these areas.
But in particular, God commands parents to train their children in this way.
They are not self-evident to children.
Now we come to final phrase - they will not depart.
If this is not a promise, what is it?
It is an encouragement to parents.
We have to train and retrain, correct and recorrect, teach and reteach.
It is tiring.
We don't always see the immediate results.
It is much easier to throw up our hands out of laziness or discouragement.
"My child is different." "Let them be kids." "He was just tired."
We come up with a million reasons not to obey God.
But God is giving us encouragement: this hard work is having an effect.
The alternative to lack of training is found in Proverbs 29:15.
The Lord tells us, "A child left to himself brings shame on his mother."
In general, training leads to peace.
No training leads to grief.
Conclusion
While none but the Holy Spirit can convert a heart, training the will is commanded by God and will (generally) yield good fruit.
Just because it is not an ironclad promise doesn't give us the right to throw out the verse.
The Lord commands us, in Ephesian 6:4, to bring up our children in the Lord's training.
Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction.
Even if our child strays as an adult, our conscience will be clear.
We will have been faithful. And that is all that God expects of us.
Update!
After publishing the above post, I received comments from several of you who made me aware of Dr. Gordon Hugenberger's comments.
He states something similar only in the negative.
He argues that Proverbs 22:6 is telling parents that if you train a child in his (sinful) way, (that is, you do not oppose and train the sinful nature), then when he is old he will not depart from those sinful habits.
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This is an edited version.
The full article is avaiable on request
Chap Bettis
is a frequent conference speaker and executive director of The Disciple-Making Parent, a ministry dedicated to helping families pass the gospel to their children.
He and his wife, Sharon, have four children and live in Rhode Island.
When 'we looked around,' we saw some great Christian parenting resources but not much to help us pass the gospel baton to our children.
And so, with our friends, we began reading, thinking, and praying.
These insights form the basis of our seminars and writing.
They come from preaching, studying the Word, and studying our children.
We have made every kind of mistake there is.
But by God's grace, we believe God has given us some insight as well.
In 2012, after 25 years of pastoring this church, God clearly called us to step out in faith and pursue the ministry of The Disciple - Making Parent (formerly The Apollos Project) full-time.
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